So I have a ton of “false start” novels in my drawers. About twenty at last count. I get to a point and I get stuck, distracted and either give up, or just forget about it. I am trying not to let that happen with the current book, but its a tough battle for me. I have a terrible video game addiction that gets me in trouble with regards to deadlines…
Anyways, on to the point of this post. My wife, the Bookkeeper, she says to me yesterday, well if you can’t seem to write on your book, write about something else to clear your mind. Duh, seems simple enough, doesn’t it? Why didn’t I think of that myself? I find myself scared to finish books. I am great at the beginning of things, but have a tough time with finishing them. It is a problem in all my life issues. Not just in my literary exploits. I think my marriage to my wife is one of the few things I have been able to consider complete, though it isn’t really because I have to work on it every day.
Football is different. But even there, I have this issue, I have a tough time completely throwing myself in, I end up holding something back, unless my team is equally committed. The few times that I have had a team that committed completely, I was able to do so as well and we won it all each time.
But in my literary aspect, it is tougher for me. The way my wife describes it is that I am afraid of success. In some regards she is right. To achieve success in the manner of men like my father, I would have to sacrifice family, and time to myself. My father was, and is extremely successful by most folks’ standards. He makes good money, and he has achieved nearly everything that he wanted to get in his life. He has a nice house, nice wife, nice car, good stuff. But, he was hardly home when I was growing up, and truly, I didn’t get to know my father until I was 13. I really didn’t get to understand him until after my Mother passed away, 20 years later. I don’t want to be that guy to my son. It’s hard sometimes though, to relate with him, and trying not to let my frustrations with myself and with the things that are bugging me come out at him when all he wants is my attention. I at times have a hard time with it, giving it to him. There is definitely a part of me that just wants him to do his own thing and leave me alone. But I cannot do that. I see what happens to kids when their parents give in to that. When they let their own selfishness take them out of their child’s life. It is one thing I need to be successful in, but it is one of the hardest to do so. Especially since their is no such thing as instant gratification with parenting. Part of the reason why it is so hard for the modern generation who was raised with instant gratification.
So, I need to knuckle down and get writing, I am just having the hardest time actually doing it. Video games are probably my biggest distraction, and I am one of those guys that says, “ill just play for an hour, then I’ll write.” Yeah, three hours of World of Tanks later, and its time to go to bed, which means I will probably play for another hour. I need to be the guy that says, okay write a page and THEN you can play, but I have always been a dessert guy first. You might get hit by a chunk of satellite before you finish dinner, and then you would be out the dessert, right? So Dessert first.
Part of the tough part of growing up is know you need to eat your veggies first. I guess when it comes to writing, I just need to grow up more and have it match the rest of me, at least. So that even if we aren’t fully adult, at least we aren’t whining (all the parts of me) like a two year old.
Kakavian Ramblings 